I’ve been meaning to put the metaphorical pen to paper and write this blog post for quite some time. I just keep putting it off because I know what I want to say, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to say it. But on a super rainy (and sometimes sunny) Labor Day, I am reminded as to why I started this blog in the first place: for myself. It’s an outlet for me to say what’s on my mind, share some things I’ve learned, spread positivity, but also, be super open about how I am feeling. That way, should other people decide to read it, maybe they can relate. So here goes nothing!
It would be an understatement to say that I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment. A career, in particular a job that ramps up in the Fall; the wedding; and I’m also teaching again this semester. When I tell people that I accepted a class to teach on top of everything else, I get one of two reactions: Good for you! OR Are you crazy? The fact is, I am crazy, but I am really excited! Originally, my department supervisor was not willing to offer me a class because she did not want me to be overwhelmed with everything going on, which was super considerate of her. Plus, depending on the class date, I could have possibly missed a lot, which doesn’t work. I’d be lying if I said I was not bummed, but it was what it was! But late in the summer, a class opened up, and someone else from the program called me to ask if I wanted to teach. She is a colleague, but she oversees the entire program. I’ve also worked under her as an undergraduate and graduate student, so we have a history and I respect her immensely. She’s sort of a legend! So she asked me if I wanted to teach the same class I taught last year on Thursday nights. Because I really wanted to teach, I said yes immediately. Of course, she suggested that I discuss it with my family before fully committing. I was actually kind of nervous to ask my mom and Andy what they thought, but because they know me and love me, they were not only so supportive, but so excited for me and the opportunity! Based on both of their reactions, I knew I was making the right choice. Teaching has always been a passion of mine, and it makes me so happy. So, yes, it may be crazy, but I can’t wait to kick off the semester on Thursday. I also feel like I have a few people to prove wrong, which is always fun! P.S.- even my therapist said it was a good opportunity and idea for me!
On another fun note, the wedding is so soon! I have to say, wedding planning has been stressful, but also a lot of fun! Andy is super into it too, which makes it even better. My mom, of course, has also been super helpful! In addition to the planning, the landmarks and events along the way have been so fun. The engagement party and saying yes to the dress last summer seems like just yesterday. We got so much accomplished the summer after we got engaged, securing our venue and major vendors, and getting save the dates out by the Fall. Since then, we’ve continued to cross things off the list, but things really started to ramp up again this summer. I was lucky enough to have two incredibly detailed and beautiful bridal showers – one hosted by my mom and bridal party for my friends and family, and a lovely work shower thrown by my colleagues. Time is now flying. 100 days… 60 days… 50 days… and now it’s just over a month away. Things are getting hectic, but I am trying to stay present and remember why we are doing all of this – because I get to marry my best freakin’ friend!
I always try to be transparent about my anxiety, because maybe it can make someone else feel okay about it too. I’ve written before about going on meds, coming off meds, taking supplements and CBD, therapy, acupuncture, yoga, exercise, and basically everything I do to help manage my anxiety. For me, my anxiety manifests in different ways, and it comes and goes and ebbs and flows. With extra stress lately, I have been doing my best to keep myself in check. This includes what I mentioned above, but it also includes drinking less, or at least taking breaks from alcohol and cutting back a little. I found that relying on wine or beer for my anxiety was becoming too easy, but it also made me feel really shitty afterwards, which made me feel more anxious. Believe me, I’m not saying that a glass of wine or beer is off limits after a long day, but that’s where it ends!
In the spirit of transparency, I wanted to share a scenario that’s happened a couple of times, but last night being the worst of it. With limited free time on the weekends and trying to be conscious of my diet and drinking, I keep saying yes to social obligations where I test my will power and I ultimately lose. And don’t get me wrong, all of these are fun events or gatherings, but I put so much pressure on myself – stick to your nutrition plan, don’t drink too much (and my tolerance has dropped as my eating habits have changed), use your time better since you have so much going on, etc. But last night, I started to actually feel physically ill as a result of being in my own head so much. Long story short, I was finally home in bed where I could relax, but I had a massive panic attack. I’m not talking about my typical anxiety, I am talking about a terrifying panic attack. I could not stop hysterically crying and could not catch my breath. It was terrifying, but I am so thankful for Andy who got me through it. So now, today, I am reflecting on all of this: the pressure I put on myself, the negativity I manifested, and how I can grow from it. But also, I am looking for the silver linings in everything, and appreciating all of the great things in my life and the opportunities I have, even if they sometimes make me anxious.
Anyway, this felt really good to write, so if you read this, thanks for following along. I am hoping to get a few more posts up before the wedding, including my obsession with supplements and adaptogens, some more recipes, beer reviews, and skin care tips. I’m sure the wedding will come up a few times too, but for wedding related updates, be sure to visit our wedding website! If there’s anything else you’d like to read about, feel free to drop me a note!